This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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