Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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