Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridgeđź¤”
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious