Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
