Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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