Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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