Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You left your phone here
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