i can't believe i had my finger in that
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
