I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
