Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
