and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
