note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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