It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
