I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
