Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD