He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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