when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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