do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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