I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
