"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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