It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
