FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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