Umm I'm too high to move.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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