I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
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no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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