I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
