I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
