the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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