i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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