nutella sex= disaster
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
