I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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