What did we do last night that was yellow?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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