I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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