just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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