you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
should my penis look like a turkey
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
