Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
