You're my little dorito
My sheets look like a crime scene.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
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He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
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What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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