I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
