He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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