apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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