I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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