i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
