if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
