I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My orgasm happened in two different decades
We smell like vodka and hangover
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