i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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