i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
