my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
