I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
