Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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