Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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