Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my shit smells like andre
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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