I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
