i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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