So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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