if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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