just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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