Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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